What You Want and What You Settle For

What do you want? What do you settle for? Is it costing you more than you realize? How to use the enneagram to identify the ways you’re compromising.

by Jesse Eubanks

What do you want Me to do for you? — Mark 10:51

In Mark 10, we see Jesus encounter a blind man. Jesus asks the man, “What do you want Me to do for you?” Jesus is asking the man about his desire.

Some people would counsel the blind man by telling him, “You should want nothing more than to sit with Jesus. Your desires are irrelevant. Only Jesus’ desires matter. Tell Him you want nothing but what He wants.”

But the man responds, “Rabbi, I want to see.” The man acknowledges his desire and courageously brings it before Jesus.

What do you want? Do you know what you desire?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I help people on a regular basis begin to identify their core desire through a tool called the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a tool for self-awareness that can be used to help us understand how we relate to God, other people, and ourselves. If you are new to the Enneagram (“ennea” = nine, “gram” = points), you should understand that there are nine personality types within the Enneagram — each with a unique desire. Each desire is so powerful that when one emerges as more important to us than any other, we end up organizing our personalities, our relationships, and even our theology around our pursuit of it.

Consider these desires of each of the nine Enneagram types. Do any of these describe your deepest desire?

To be good.

To be wanted.

To be valuable.

To be authentic.

To be competent.

To be secure.

To be happy.

To be protected.

To be at peace.

On their own, all of these desires are good. If you look over the list, you will see that none of them are evil or immoral. Sadly, we usually believe that God will not grant us our desires. This is where our story takes a turn.

Jesus does not want to destroy your desire. He wants to fulfill it.

WHAT DO YOU SETTLE FOR?

When we don’t believe that God will meet our desires, we develop ways to try to meet them on our own that don’t require us to trust Him. We cling to our scheme so fiercely that we turn it into an idol. Do any of these sound like you?

Type 1s want to be good but settle for perfectionism. Though your good desire is to have integrity and be the same person in public and in private, you often settle for strict and judgmental rules for yourself and others. Your idol of perfectionism requires you to sacrifice having fun, having your own dreams, and giving grace to yourself and others. You often can’t tell the difference between being good and being perfect.

Type 2s want to be wanted but settle for being indispensable. Though your good desire is to be wanted by others, you often settle for being needed. Your idol of being indispensable requires you to sacrifice asking for what you need, receiving without paying back, and even need God’s grace (you have to have needs to need grace). You often can’t tell the difference between being wanted and being indispensable.

Type 3s want to be valuable but settle for being successful. Though your good desire is to have inherent worth and a stable relational status in your community, you often settle for workaholism. Your idol of being successful requires you to sacrifice your own authenticity, intimate relationships, and being loved just as you are without being impressive. You often can’t tell the difference between being valuable and being successful.

Type 4s want to be authentic but settle for being different. Though your good desire is to be genuine and loved as you are, you often settle for needing to be unlike everyone around you instead. Your idol of being different requires you to sacrifice finding happiness, enjoying anything common, and feeling accepted and understood. You often can’t tell the difference between being authentic and being different.

Type 5s want to be competent but settle for knowing everything. Though your good desire is to have the necessary knowledge and skills to live successfully, you often settle for intellectual omniscience. Your idol of knowing everything requires you to sacrifice feeling known and loved, finding intimacy in relationships, and engaging life. You often can’t tell the difference between being competent and needing to know everything.

Type 6s want to be secure but settle for safety. Though your good desire is to have confident trust, you often settle for protocols and rigid rules. Your idol of being safe requires you to sacrifice feeling carefree and relaxed, trusting God and other people, and especially trusting yourself. You often can’t tell the difference between being secure and chasing after safety.

Type 7s want to be happy but settle for pleasure. Though your good desire is for a life of joy and contentment, you often settle for avoiding pain and indulging in hedonism. Your idol of pleasure requires you to sacrifice ever feeling satisfied, having depth in your relationships, and committing yourself to discipline and focus. You often can’t tell the difference between being happy and indulging in pleasure.

Type 8s want to be protected but settle for control and power. Though your good desire is to be able to make your own choices without being controlled by others, you often settle for being in charge and bulldozing other people. Your idol of control and power requires you to sacrifice finding intimacy with people, giving and receiving forgiveness, and having fragile feelings. You often can’t tell the difference between protecting yourself and needing to be in control.

Type 9s want to be at peace but settle for comfort. Though your good desire is for shalom, you often settle for following the path of least resistance and avoiding conflict. Your idol of comfort requires you to sacrifice your own desires, the belief that you can make a difference, and the growth that comes from conflict. You often can’t tell the difference between being at peace and indulging in comfort.

How might your idol be hurting your relationships with God, other people, and yourself? Can you see this idol at work in your life?

The antidote to idols is not to kill our desires but to recognize that idols are a naive attempt to get something only God can give us. Idols always take more than they give. Jesus always gives more than He asks us to sacrifice.

Jesus does not want to destroy your desire. He wants to fulfill it.

Jesus asked the blind man, “What do you want Me to do for you?” He asks you the same. What good thing do you desire? What do you want Jesus to do for you?

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WANT TO EXPLORE THE ENNEAGRAM FROM A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE?

Check out our books and our podcast!

HOW WE RELATE: UNDERSTANDING GOD, YOURSELF AND OTHERS THROUGH THE ENNEAGRAM by Jesse Eubanks Discover how God speaks into your unique personality and life story to make the gospel come alive for you. Enneagram coach and host of The EnneaCast podcast Jesse Eubanks invites readers to go deeper for true transformation. In How We Relate, Eubanks interprets the Enneagram through the gospel story to help readers grow in self-awareness, improve their relationships, and encounter Jesus. LIFE IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. IT’S TIME TO TRANSFORM YOURS.

Like a workshop, interview and game show for your relational health. Welcome to The EnneaCast, a bi-weekly show that explores personality and the Enneagram through the lens of the gospel. Every episode combines teaching, an interview and a game into a fascinating and fun listening experience. Hosted by Jesse Eubanks and Lindsey Lewis, The EnneaCast features authors, artists, pastors and counselors sharing their wisdom with one goal in mind: to help you experience more meaningful relationships with God, yourself and others.

RelateBetter exists to help you build better relationships. Get the tools. Put them to work. Enjoy better relationships with God, others and yourself. Start here!

What You Want and What You Settle For

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT DO YOU SETTLE FOR?

WANT TO EXPLORE THE ENNEAGRAM FROM A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE?

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